Thursday, June 25, 2009





Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I Was A Teenage* DM (Part 2)

Today is the first game that I will be DM'ing.

I have found some great resources online. is amazing, just because it has a ton of resources, and because it's got a lot of tricks and tips for DM's who are just starting up.

I found a great adventure to download for free on one of the site's links, which, for me, anyway, seems like the better way of getting my feet wet. I could have started from scratch and tried to build a world of my own, but from personal experience in almost every aspect of my life, it seems I have had better luck first wading in the kiddies pool rather than jumping in the deep end.

I bought a Dungeon Master's screen (it arrived in the mail yesterday, WOOT!) a 30-sided die (in pink), some miniatures, and I feel good.

Reis, he of the extraordinary Geek Orthodox blog (you should be reading it every day, Crickets), and three other brave adventurers (I'll ask their permission to use their names) will be arriving at my house tonight. We have sorted out a lot of stuff over email. Important stuff. Like who brings the snacks.

Wonderfully, everyone has fallen into the roles we need: Reis is playing a rogue, we have a cleric, a druid/sorceress, and a fighter. Everyone is super-nice (over email, anyway. they could be monstrously awful in person, but I doubt it), and ready to play some D&D.

But I am nervous. Like a virgin on her wedding night. To a half-orc marauder.

One of the suggestions of the folks over at is that the first game be just about rolling up characters, and if there's time, a skirmish. I like this idea. The group is bringing together two sets of gamers. Reis and I have played together, and the other guys have played together. I'd like to get an idea of the group dynamic before I throw us all into a full-fledged adventure.

Reis is the one at the greatest disadvantage, really, since he does not know anyone (besides me). That, and he may be the only straight in our new group. The awesome thing about Reis (yes, there's just the one thing), though, is that he's so comfortable in his own skin that I doubt he has even paused to give this a thought. Really, Crickets, if you get the chance to befriend him, you should do it.

Crickets, I know many of you are asking how I, as a gay DM, differ from a straight one. The answer: I plan on vacuuming before my guests arrive. Well, that and the glitterball and Cher's greatest hits playing full blast as the soundtrack to the campaign.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I Was A Teenage* DM (Part 1)

Well, as Wilson Phillips might have said it: I got myself into my own mess.

It wasn't enough any more to simply be the PC in someone else's universe. No. I wanted the power for myself. And now I'm terrified.

It started at one of the games that Reis and I attend on a Monday night. Reis (He of the wonderful Geek Orthodox blog) would wait for a lull in the action inside Todd's (smallish) apartment to take a smoke break, and often I'd follow him outside for some fresh air and a brief escape from the goings-on inside.

Reis (puffing contemplatively, one eye squinted almost shut): "You know what I'd like to get to do, just once? Honest-to-goodness dungeon crawl.

Ryan: "Reis, do you have to blow smoke directly into my face?"

Reis: "But Todd has been clear from the start. He hates dungeon crawls."

Ryan: "Yup. that's what he said. Umm...could you not flick your ashes onto my clothes? I mean, I wouldn't say anything, but it's like you're aiming directly at..."

Reis: "You know what else? I never played genuine D&D rules. That would be awesome."

Ryan: "*cough*"

Reis: "Hey. Here's an idea. We should start up our own campaign. Go old-school. Get some homies together and just do some real grinding. Man, that would be hella sweet."

Ryan: "Well, I guess I could download a pre-made game of the you have any friends that might want to play?"

Reis: "Nah, maybe I can think of a guy. I'll ask him. See what he says. Why don't you just take care of it?"

Ryan: "You mean, come up with people who want to play D&D with us? Or do you mean-"

Reis: "I mean, take care of it. Make it happen. You do the hard work, and I show up and have a good time. What, are you stupid, or just hard of hearing?"

Ryan: "What? No! I can hear perfectly well-"

Reis: "Great. Fantastic. Let me know when everything's ready. In the meantime, hold out your hand."

Ryan: "Hold out my...why?"

Reis: "Do you see an ashtray anywhere, bitch?"

*(not really a teenager)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Grown Men Being Awesome: Fire and Ice

I don't know who they are supposed to be, but they are missing the front of their costumes. Someone should tell them.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Friday, June 5, 2009

Of course he's Thor: Chris Hemsworth

Saw this on, who got it from Deadline Hollywood.
Here is the link:

Funny, I just saw the headline and the pic, and my brain (tiny as it is) said:

I only saw him on Star Trek (if you are the one cricket who has not yet seen the movie, he plays George Kirk, James' father), and just based off that, I feel that I approve.

As an aside, it's only with great willpower that I refrain from making jokes about lovemaking involving Chris, myself, and the end result including the word "thor", as in : Chris and I were at it all latht night, and boy, is my tushie thor!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Comic Book Cover Art

Some comics are worth buying just for the cover art.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Project Dream Girl

Dream Girl was born to Kiwa Nal, the High Seer of Naltor.

On Naltor, almost everyone has the ability to see glimpses of the future.
Naltor was settled by a race of people that had emigrated from the Sorcerer's World. Over the span of generations, Naltorians lost their power to perform magic, and only the ability to see the future remained.

Due to Naltor's population possessing the ability to predict events accurately, the planet is one of the most prosperous and technologically advanced. After all, playing the intergalactic stock market is easy when you can predict how it will perform, and innovation becomes much less challenging when you can see what technology will look like in the future.
Naltorians are especially skilled in bio-science, which is how Dream Girl managed to alter the powers of another Legionnaire, Light Lass.

More about Naltor next week.

Here's a pic of Nura:

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Grown Men Being Awesome: MOTU Edition

Two things:

1. Prince Adam got a haircut. Not cool, Your Highness.

2. Hawaiian shirt and pleated khaki pants: almost as lame as Orco.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Misleading Covers

It turns out that
being tied up in your undies,
by a muscled dude in black rubber,
and getting a tongue-bath from another man
is not gay at all.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Project Dream Girl

Crickets, I am very excited.

Todd, my DM, has been the first person to submit his Dream Girl art.

Here is his message:

Here is my Dream Girl submission for Orcward. Hope you like it. I chose to focus on her martial arts skills. I love the idea that she is bad ass in battle because she can forsee her opponents' future actions.

Me too, Todd. Me too.

Here is his submission:

Thanks, Todd!

Roleplaying in a skirt

Monday night role playing went pretty well.
There was a lot of exposition, to be sure, but important things happened:

  • I got to level 4, and finally got a good spell or two

  • I got to play to my PC's strengths: healing, music-based magic, and being sassy.

  • I didn't need to roll no stupid 20's to kick monster ass

When we finally got moving (after I told a prince from my native country that I could possibly lift a debilitating curse laid upon him by evil cultists from the mountains and healed a bunch of people that were buried in the rubble of a catastrophe), our party was set upon by horrid giants big enough to carry archers in baskets on their backs.

Certain co-adventurers needed to rely on the luck of a few random lucky throws of the dice. Some twenties were rolled.


Meanwhile, Harmony Icebane cast Terror on one of the beasties, which took off back up the mountain he had come down from to attack. She used her amazing power and strength of will, and quick wits to turn the almost insurmountable tide.

Singlehandedly, I beat off one of these guys (that tun of phrase was dirtier than I intended), without even drawing a weapon or making a couple of lucky rolls.

So who is more awesome? The guy with a generic big sword who makes some random rolls to his favour, or the eldrich mistress of mysticism, music, and mayhem, who makes monsters flee at the sound of her lute?

Crickets, I think we all know the answer to this.

Oh, and here is Reis, he of the splendid Geek Orthodox site, taking my picture because he was so in awe of my mad role-playing skillz:

Origami awesomeness

Thanks to Reis and to Kal, and to the dude who has a ton of cool origami on his photostream:

It's beautiful.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Half Orcs are (half) people too.

Half-orcs seem to be at a distinct disadvantage.
Sure, they're stronger than your average human, and that's useful if you like to grind through adversaries, screaming oaths to Gruumsh and hacking off extremities, but a penalty to Intelligence AND Charisma seem to limit the variety of personalities you can successfully play.

And for "Half-Porkers" (Crickets, for a lack of better slang, someone such as myself, who is attracted to half-orcs: much like a "Chubby-Chaser" or a "Chicken-Hawk") who find many Half-orcs to be quite desirable (the strong jaws! The hairy backs!) the Charisma penalty does not make sense.

I mean, take a look:

Handsome and pensive!

How about him:

Sensitive and charming!

Or this guy:

Okay, he looks like he likes killing things.
But in an earnest and primal way, right?

Friday, May 15, 2009

Rhymes with "Bitch": Naga the Serpent.

Anime tends to be kind of hit-or-miss for me.
It seems like a great deal of it is not really aimed at my demographic, what with all the schoolgirls in short skirts, and people in big fighty robot-suits firing rockets at each other.
And don't even get me started on the snoozefest that is Akira.

But when Japanese animation is good, it's very, very good.
Miyazaki is a genius, and if you have never seen Spirited Away, or Castle in the Sky, or My Neighbor Totoro, do yourselves a favor, Crickets, and try them out. Even BlackDeathUnicorn, who would typically rather clean the gutters than watch fantasy-themed animation, was spellbound by Howl's Moving Castle.

I'll get to his genius another time, though.

Today is about another amazing and hilarious anime fantasy creation: Slayers.
Slayers is essentially about a powerful red-headed sorceress, Lina Inverse, and her many adventures. She tends to attract trouble wherever she goes. This could have something to do with her Hobbit-short temper, or the nutty people who tend to fall in with her crowd.

Lina's greatest rival is the beautiful and confident Naga the White Serpent. Naga may be a fraction less talented at magic than Lina, but she has one thing that Lina does not: Big boobies. Okay, actually, that's two things.
Also, Naga has the most marvellous laugh in the history of larynxes. Her signature laugh conveys her confidence and power to all who hear it, and the sound of it can often carry as far as a neighbouring village.

Naga is actually, despite her appearance, adept at using white magic.

She is also a princess, whose mother was cruelly murdered, but she keeps this under wraps. The outfit she wears (if a few tiny strips of leather can be called an outfit) is one she found in her mother's closet after her death. The big spikes and sword are for show. In fact, she has been known to poke herself in the head with the shoulder spikes when she raises her arms up too high, and she grows faint at the sight of blood.

Although Naga is dressed like a fanboy's wettest dream, she and Lina are both, in my opinion, pretty positive feminist characters. They never defer to men, are never tied up, or abused, and they give every bit as good as they get. They are confident, enterprising, wily, tough, their characters have layers and nuances, and they are absolutely hilarious.

Watch and listen for her laugh, and fall in love.

Grown Men Being Awesome: Sub-Mariner Rocks

Who knew Namor's weapon of choice was the axe?

Here is a pic of the Sub-Mariner with his Sub-Woofer.

See if you can spot the rock....lobster.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Roleplaying with a skirt and an accent

Crickets, if I have learned anything from the latest campaign I am involved in, it's this: Playing a female PC sucks, and playing a female PC with a French accent sucks even harder.

My current PC is Harmony Icebane, a Bard/Priestess. I play females every now and then, because a)No one else in our group tends to play women, b)I like to mix things up a little, and c)I just feel so darned pretty when I'm a lady, like a beautiful blossoming ros-uh, never mind. I drew up a pic of how I wanted Harmony to look (see above), and wrote up a guide to her culture. I conceived her as worldly and charming, and a little vain, so to add flavour I gave her a French accent.

The upshot of all of this?
I quote:

Fellow Gamer: "Dude, my guy is gonna rape her"
Fellow Gamer: "Dude, you sound like Pepe Le Pew"

It's annoying and distracting for me to do the voice and accent, and I know I sound like an idiot.

Luckily, this week, Harmony kind of got to kick some butt.

For one thing, our party came up against a nasty undead vampiress, who, it was hinted at by our DM, Todd, was way out of our league.
Harmony sassed the bitch anyway, and then fired an arrow at her.
And darned if I didn't roll a natural 20 to hit.
The vampiress got taken down eventually, thanks to Reis' PC hacking off a wing (with the help of a Strength potion) and a huge hairy Yeti (Greg) jumping on her back.

A little later, an annoying NPC, a Baron who had been trying to abduct Harmony, met with an unpleasant surprise when he opened a carriage door, expecting Harmony to be trussed up and safely delivered to him, and got two of her arrows through his face instead. Take that, you lady-abducting cad.

Our adventure continues in the cave of a huge dragon, and stuff about prophecies and special rings. But that's all for next week.

Here's Todd's version of Harmony

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

You might be an elf if.....

Crickets, ever feel like your ears are just too pointy to not be an elf?
Here are some clues to help you figure it out.

You might be an elf if......

· You hug trees on your morning walk and they hug you back

· You ground your teenage daughter when your pet unicorn stops laying its head in her lap

· You prefer cloudy nights because starlight makes you squint

· You use the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing game as a Safety Drill

· You have the Keebler cookie hotline on speed dial

· You’ve ever brought Lembas to a bake sale

· You think Lord Of The Rings is a documentary

· Your kids bring a Hobbit to “Show and Tell”

· You’ve stood in line to have your picture taken with an Enya impersonator

· You own more than 3 pairs of mithril-plated support garments

· Your grandma has started to show her age after she turned seven hundred and sixty

· You get freaked out when you see people’s footprints in the snow

· Your mom found the hidden stash of Drows Gone Wild magazines under your bed

· You have to shower daily or your "moss problem" gets out of hand

· You use the term “telperion” more than once a month

· You have a long-standing argument with your best friend about who would win in a fight: Galadriel or Drizzit

· Your mail-carrier complains about having to climb the tree every day

· The next time your brother-in-law gets drink and tells his “Balrog fart” joke, you’re gonna punch him in the face

Monday, May 11, 2009

Project Dream Girl

Crickets, ask me who my favourite comic-book character of all time is.
Go ahead.

What's that, you ask? Who is my favourite comic-book character of all time?
Dream Girl.
The answer is Dream Girl.

Nura Nal of Naltor.

She is a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes, a group of young men and women from different planets who have banded together to fight injustice and evil 1,000 years in the future.

I want to pay tribute to her by posting pictures of her by different artists. If you would like to draw a picture of her, dear Crickets, or if you already have a picture of her lying around, please consider sending it to me, and I'll post it on this blog.

I'll kick things off with one of my own. This is a badly-drawn Nura as she first appeared in Adventure Comics in 1967.

C'mon, Crickets. You can do better than that, right?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Star Trek: The Best Generation

Crickets, it's time to tell you how the new Star Trek movie was.

If you have been following my saga, you will know that Reis, he of the magnificent Geek Orthodox blog (and a close personal lackey, um, friend) has been a loser and has never been to the IMAX before.

Chapter 5: In Which WhiteUnicorn is Re-Reading Action Comics featuring The Legion Of Super-Heroes

I picked Reis up at his place (20 minutes late because I was reading comics and didn't pay attention to the time). I came to get him at the door and yelled at him for making me wait. He cried a little (definite confirmed chin-quiver).

We drove downtown to the Pacific Science Center, and...because the movie gods clearly knew that we needed to see this a great parking spot. Thanks, Movie Gods!

Chapter 6: In Which Reis Almost Kills a Large Person

We got in line at a decent time, and played a game of Magic the Gathering on the carpet in line. We were doing fine, too, except that the d-bags in line in front of us let about 5 of their buddies cut in, even though said buddies were a half-hour late. They were all large, hairy men, and wearing overcoats and stuff, and totally encroaching on our space, because they were like a small herd of gamey-smelling bison standing about in a tiny space. They got so close to trampling on our Magic cards that Reis murmured something about them coming a step closer and not being conscious to see the movie.
Reis likes violence.

Chapter 7: In Which WhiteUnicorn WON. And You Cannot Prove Otherwise

Anyway, crisis never came to pass, and I beat Reis soundly at Magic as I said I would.

Now, Reis is a terribly sore loser and may protest that he actually won the game, but he didn't. HE DIDN'T WIN.
I know that to be a fact because Reis never took pictures and so cannot claim otherwise without proof. So it's his word against mine.

Did I mention he came this close to murder? So who do you believe?

Chapter 8: In which Reis Wants to Kill Again

There was an idiot who was yelling "Star Trek!" and standing up and hi-five-ing everyone who walked past his seat and screaming at the rest of us that we should be pumped because we were about to see Star Trek. The movie had not yet started, and Reis and I wanted to use our phasers to shoot him in the face. And none of that "Set phasers to stun" business, either.

Chapter 9: In Which the Movie Rocked So Amazingly Hard

The movie was mindblowing. Action, space adventure, explosions, great and pretty faithful characterization, a big dose of funny, a nice dollop of eye-candy (only Chris Pine gets his chest out, but it's a nice one), great cameos from Leonard Nimoy and Winona Ryder (who plays Spock's mom, and made my chin quiver). So pretty much a completely perfect Summer Movie.

Chapter 10: In Which We had a Great Time, and You Have To Go See It Too.

Crickets, the only reason you would not go see this movie is if you were allergic to awesomeness. Even then, I'd risk the rash and go see it. I'm going again, and this time I'm taking BlackDeathUnicorn.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Grown Men Being Awesome: Because Wolverine is still in Theatres

Hello Crickets!

I have not seen the Wolverine movie yet, I am ashamed to say. Maybe this weekend.
Anyway, here is this guy (he appears to be using a pencil as a cigar prop):

And here is why I really should have seen it by now.

EDIT: I just was informed that I totally ripped off a pic from a blogger whose site is awesome. I wasn't paying attention to the source of the pic, and I apologise.
Here is an artist's rendition of the pic that caused my shame and apology:

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Star Trek: The Wrath of WhiteUnicorn

Hello Crickets!
I am excited today about two things that are going to happen at the same time:
Star Trek, and IMAX. Oh, and the third thing happens simultaneously as well: Saturday night.

Since the WhiteUnicorn's Significant Other, BlackDeathUnicorn, is out of town with his family on Mother's Day, I decided to let Reis, he of the fantastic Geek Orthodox fame, tag along.

Reis has never seen a movie on IMAX before *snicker*.

Now now, Crickets, lets not call him names like "loser" and "sad, sad person" and "lameoid custard-licking dweeb-farmer", however much the shoe fits.

Instead, let's be kind, and pay attention while I document a journey of galactic epicness: The Saga of Star Trek on IMAX.

Chapter 1: In Which WhiteUnicorn is Thoughtful, Sweet, and Clever and Handsome

The saga began, as all sagas do, with an email.

From: Whiteunicorn
Subject: What is that ringing sound?
To: Reis O'Brien
Date: Monday, May 4, 2009, 5:21 PM

Hey Reis
BlackDeathUnicorn will be out of town this weekend, and guess what else is happening...STAR TREK ON IMAX! Woot!

Now, if you are a complete asshat, you'll be all "But I got plans!"

But if you are awesome, you'll be all "Neato! Let's make it happen!"

Dude, seriously, don't be an asshat. Come see the movie.

Let me know if you can do it any time from Fri night thru Sun evening.

Chapter 2: In Which Reis Replies

From: Reis O'Brien
Subject: What is that ringing sound?
To: Whiteunicorn
Date: Monday, May 4, 2009, 7:41 PM

Well, despite the fact that I hate Star Trek, I have to admit that this movie looks awesome. I have plans Saturday afternoon, but my beautiful wife who is so much hotter than I deserve is going out with the girls that night. So I'll be free then.

Chapter 3: In Which WhiteUnicorn Continues to be Exceptionally Good-Looking

The saga had begun in earnest!
Our heroes had taken their first steps on their journey to the Pacific Science Center IMAX, as the prophecy had foretold. WhiteUnicorn (that's me, Crickets)sent his next email, and prayed to the Gods that Reis had survived his day's ordeals so that he might read it.

Crickets, as you may have heard, Reis is a pretty powerful wizard, outmatched only by myself. When we have our epic Magic the Gathering sorcerous duels, I tend to win. A lot.

From: Whiteunicorn
Subject: What is that ringing sound?
To: Reis O'Brien
Date: Tuesday, May 5, 2009, 6:12 PM

9:15pm Star Trek: The IMAX 05/09/09 ADULT 2


So seriously, if we are to get even halfway decent seats, we need to be in line about an hour before the show starts. We can sit on the floor (it's inside and carpeted).

This is the perfect opportunity for me to wipe the floor with you in Magic, and have all the people standing and sitting in line around us to watch a grown man cry like a little beeyotch.

Dude, I just saw the preview for the movie and it looks SO BADASS.

Chapter 4: In Which Reis Makes Me Laugh with Contempt and Derision

From: Reis O'Brien
Subject: What is that ringing sound?
To: Whiteunicorn
Date: Wednesday, May 6, 2009, 12:03 PM

Cool! We could probably meet up even earlier than that if you want. I have no problem waiting in line for a while.

Are you sure you want to cry like a little girl in a frilly pink dress in front of all those Trekkies? Well, okay...

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Video Magic

Crickets, there are many great videos that exist in this Universe.

Here, however, is the greatest one of all.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Grown Men Being Awesome: Hirsute and Cute Edition.

I wonder if he calls himself Suphairman.

25 things you may not have known about me

Inspired by a Facebook sensation that I got exposed to, when a friend decided I needed more information about him than I really ever needed or wanted, I have made up my mind to share some of my deepest and most profound details with you, dear Crickets.

Without further ado, here are 25 things you may not have known about me:

25 things you didn’t know about me

1) My birth: I sprang forth, fully-grown and fully clothed, from an axe wound in my father’s forehead.

2) I like to clip coupons, because I can hear the paper scream.

3) I keep a beautiful white unicorn, with deeply mystical eyes and a horn made of mother-of-pearl, in my basement. Once a month I go down there and rape it.

4) I look like I smell, and I smell like an elf.

5) I never found Waldo.

6) I’m less filling, but I also taste great.

7) I’m trying to figure out how to include the word “wang” in every conversation I have without having people notice.

8) I think Andy Dick is a genius subversive conceptual artist.

9) I have a justified and consuming fear of marshmallow.

10) I once ungratefully and stupidly used a wire hanger to hang a beautiful outfit my Mommie had bought for me. Really, I just did it so that she’d make me scrub the bathroom, which was filthy.

11) When I see a beautiful sunset, I often break down and cry, and thank God for those little worms that burrow into human eyeballs and eat their way out.

12) My momma is so fat that she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

13) Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

14) My body is made for water.

15) My partner’s name is a noun.

16) I can’t say “koala” without giggling.

17) I goose-stepped in a Gay Pride parade to be ironic.

18) I don’t know where New Jersey is.

19) I know if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness’ sake.

20) My favorite part of The Godfather is when they eat jelly doughnuts and talk about their man-problems and cry.

21) Wang

22) Everybody wang-chung tonight!

23) I just managed to do it twice.

24) I can only count to 23. And then only when I take off my shoes.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Artist: April Solomon

When the irrepressible, man-about-town Reis O'Brien (he of the splendid Geek Orthodox blog), Todd, our fearless DM, and I visited the Emerald City Comicon, we had a lovely time. We laughed, we cried...and maybe we did a little soul-searching and gained some insight into the meaning of life.

But mostly we looked at stuff.

I am crazy about original art, and this lovely young lady named April Solomon had a stall with some of her art on display, which was amazing.

She works mostly with pen and colored pencil, and she draws mermaids and dragons and all manner of awesome things.

I had to buy this sketch she had lying around:

and then I asked her to draw a centaur for me, and she did this:

Here is the place you can see a few more examples of her work:

And here is just one of her many awesome creations:

Grown Men Being Awesome: Mentally Challenged Superman edition

Superman forgot something. Can you guess what it is?

You are correct: He forgot to give me his phone number.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Comic Book Gaydar: Sodam Yat

I just started reading Green Lantern Corps.
I never had any interest in Green Lantern before.
No disrespect to Hal Jordan fans, but he never really did it for me.
It was the introduction of the other colored rings (especially blue and violet) that made me pick up an issue, and WOW!
I can't believe how quickly this title grabbed hold of my imagination.

With a cast of a dozen regular characters, interstellar action, mayhem, pretty graphic violence, a rich mythology and culture all of its own, and some really great personalities, the Green Lantern titles are now at the top of my list every month.

I'll feature some of the most intriguing characters in the near future, but the first on my list is the one that almost immediately pinged my Gaydar: Sodam Yat.

Now Crickets, perhaps you may be wondering why on earth I'd think he's G-A-Y.

Here are my reasons:

  1. I assume everyone is gay until proven otherwise.

  2. His first name sounds a lot like the city that the bible types like to use in their lame arguments against gays (it's the city mentioned in conjunction with Gomorrah).

  3. His history is one HUGE allegory. He grew up on a repressively xenophobic planet (Daxam), where he always felt "different". He'd spend all his time dreaming about escaping his bigoted family and society. He spent his nights studying the stars. One night, an alien crashed on his planet, and he and the alien, Tessog, became "close", even as he had to hide the relationship from his parents and the world. But his parents found out, had Tessog killed, and sent their son to be brainwashed into believing that Tessog, and aliens in general were evil. (Can you say "ex-gay reparative therapy", Crickets?) His memories later resurfaced, and he was about to use Tessog's spacecraft to escape Daxam when the Green Lantern ring appeared to him.

  4. Crickets, do I need to spell it out at this point?

  5. Oh, and Superboy Prime shoved rods into him.

He has issues with his horrible parents of course, and has some anger mamagement challenges.

The other awesome things about him: He's a Daxamite, which means he has the power levels of Superman, PLUS A GREEN LANTERN RING.

And he has cool eyes.

Rhymes with “Bitch” Ty-ty Story Time Edition: Baba Yaga

Okay, Crickets, if there’s one thing WhiteUnicorn loves almost as much as unicorns, it’s witches. I love old witches and young witches, pretty witches and ugly witches, witches on television, witches in books, good witches…and most of all, I love me some evil witches.

Now, witchcraft has been around ever since the first woman picked up the chicken bones her hairy smelly husband had tossed on the floor, and mixed them with some spit and dirt to curse his teeth to fall out. And it’s been around ever since.

There are some glorious examples of witches throughout history, like Hecate, the Greek Goddess of witchcraft, and Medea (a personal favorite), or the Wicked Witch of the West from Oz, or the wicked stepmother from Snow White, or Hermione from Hogwarts…the list is long. And we’ll get to most of them soon enough.

But if we’re talking about badass witches; if we’re talking about pure nastiness and spite; if we’re talking about weirdness and creepiness, we need to start with a real piece of work: Baba Yaga.

Baba Yaga lives deep in the dark gloomy forests somewhere in Eastern Europe, or possibly Russia. She lives in a house that stands on two giant chicken legs, with a fence of bones and skulls. At night, the skulls light up. It makes everything ever so much more festive when the clean-picked bones of the people you have kidnapped and eaten light up at night. Makes the place feel like home.

Baba Yaga flies around in a giant mortar and pestle, and likes to collect children who don’t eat their beets from their beds in the middle of the night, and eat them.
Isn’t she wonderful?

There are a ton of stories about her, but here is one of my favorites.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Mischa who lived with her father and mother on the outskirts of a huge dark forest. One day, Mischa’s mother fell ill, and she knew her time was upon her. She called poor Mischa to her bedside and said:
“Darling Mischa, I give you four things before I die. First, let me kiss you and bless you. Remember to be always kind and good”
Mischa kissed her mother.
“Now, here are three other gifts. A ribbon, a lump of coal, and a comb. Keep them with you always, for they will help you when you most need them”
And with that, she died.

Mischa’s father was lonely after his wife died, so he went looking for a wife, and one day, he brought home a woman and her ugly daughter to be Mischa’s new stepmother and stepsister.

Mischa’s stepmother was as cruel and heartless as Mischa’s mother had been loving and good. Mischa was beaten daily, forced to eat the scraps from the dinners she cooked, and sleep in the ashes of the fire at night. Even so, all the handsome men in the village nearby came to look at pretty Mischa and sigh, and none of them would look at her ugly stepsister at all.

At last, there was no more flour in the house to make bread. The stepmother and daughter had spent all the money Mischa’s father had left for them while he was away. Mischa’s stepmother saw a chance to be rid Mischa, so that her daughter could be married. She seized a broom and beat Mischa, and screamed:
“Greedy wretch! You have eaten all our food, and now there is no flour to feed us!”
Her evil little eyes gleamed.
“So now, you must go into the woods and get a bag of flour from Baba Yaga, or I shall beat you to death!”

Mischa feared for her life, but she did as she was told and set out into the woods with only the ribbon, the lump of coal, and the comb her mother had given her.

As she was walking through the forest, she heard the sound of feet pounding. When she looked behind a tree, she spied a nasty little troll who was standing at the entrance to a large anthill, and stomping on every poor ant that scurried out. Mischa’s good heart was full of anger at the spiteful troll. She rushed at the troll and smacked him on the back of the head, which made him wail and run off. The ants gathered up their dead comrades, and continued with their work.

As Mischa walked deeper into the forest, she heard the agitated quacks of ducks. When she came to the side of a pond, she saw the same nasty little troll throwing stones at some ducklings in the reeds. Her heart was filled with sympathy for the poor ducklings, and she rushed up to the troll and kicked him in the shins. He howled and ran off.

As Mischa neared the deepest, gloomiest part of the forest, she heard the caw of ravens. She looked up, and there was the troll, trying to steal raven chicks from their nest. Mischa grabbed a nearby stone, took aim, and hit the troll square in the head. He fell down dead.
Mischa continued on her way.

At nightfall, she came to the house of Baba Yaga. She opened the gate of bones and stood at the house on its chicken feet, and said:
“Turn your back to the forest, your front to me”
A door opened, and there was Baba Yaga.
“And who presents herself for my cooking pot?” she cackled, her sharp teeth gleaming.
“I have been sent to ask you for a bag of flour, Grandmother” stammered poor Mischa.
“Then you shall have it,” replied Baba Yaga, “If you can complete three tasks I set you. If you cannot, I shall eat you. You’ll be delicious with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”

Mischa shuddered with fear, but had no choice. She spent the night in Baba Yaga’s guest room, praying.
The next morning, Baba Yaga took Mischa into a giant storage room. In the middle of the room was a pile of rice higher than her head.
“You have one day to separate the husk from each grain of rice and place them in a separate pile” snarled Baba Yaga, “or it’s into my pot you go!”
With that, she left.
Mischa knew she could never complete this task in a day. She sat down by the pile of rice and cried. But suddenly, there was a whisper of thousands of tiny feet. Mischa looked around, and from a hole in the floor poured thousands of ants. They covered the huge pile of rice, and separated each husk from each grain as Mischa watched in amazement.
Just as the last grain of rice had been stripped and the last ant had disappeared back through the hole in the floor, Baba Yaga, drooling with anticipation, burst through the door.
Her jaw dropped to see the neatly sorted rice.
“You have done well,” she muttered, “but there is more to come tomorrow.”

The next morning Baba Yaga led Mischa to the edge of a huge lake. She clutched a long string of pearls in her gnarled hand, broke the chain, and flung the pearls far and wide into the water.
You have one day to find each pearl at the bottom of the lake” cackled Baba Yaga, “or it’s into my pot you go!”
With that, she left.

Mischa knew she could never find all the pearls at the bottom of the lake. She sat at the edge of the water and cried. But suddenly, she heard the quacking of a hundred ducks. Mischa looked up, and saw a multitude of ducks swim to the center of the lake, and dive under the water. Again and again they dove down, and by the end of the day, they had returned all the pearls to her side. Just as the last duck deposited the last pearl and swam off, Baba Yaga appeared, slobbering in anticipation.
Her jaw dropped to see the pile of pearls at Mischa’s side.
“You have done well,” she muttered, “but there is more to come tomorrow.”

The next morning Baba Yaga led Mischa to the top of a tall hill. She held in her gnarled hand a stalk of dandelion with a round white head of dandelion seeds.
“You have one day to find every dandelion seed”, snarled Baba Yaga, “or it’s into my pot you go!”
With that, she blew the dandelion seeds into the air, and left.

Mischa watched the seeds float into the sky, and sat down and cried. Suddenly, she heard the rustle of many wings, and as she looked up she saw dozens of ravens fly overhead in pursuit of the seeds.
One by one, throughout the day, a raven returned with a seed in its beak. Just as the last raven delivered the last seed and flew away, Baba Yaga appeared, drooling with hunger.
Her jaw dropped to see every dandelion seed.
“You have done well” she said “and you shall be rewarded”

Baba Yaga led Mischa to another room in her house. The room was filled with gold and jewels.
“Here is a sack full of flour”, said Baba Yaga, handing her a full sack, “And here is a sack you may fill with treasure.” She handed Mischa an empty sack. “Now take what you can and begone.” With that, she disappeared.

Mischa filled the empty sack with gold, and set out on her way home.

Later that night, Baba Yaga returned home. One of the glowing skulls on her fence stared at her balefully.
“You do know that Mischa didn’t do all those tasks herself, don’t’ you?” the skull asked.” She was helped each time, by ants, and ducks, and ravens.”

With a shriek of rage, Baba Yaga jumped into her mortar and pestle and flew off in pursuit of poor Mischa.

Mischa heard the scream of the witch as she flew after her, and she knew that Baba Yaga meant to kill her. She said a prayer to her mother in Heaven, and suddenly the ribbon her mother had given her slipped from her pocket. As soon as it touched the ground, the ribbon became a mighty rushing river.
Baba Yaga saw the river too late, and crashed into the water with her mortar and pestle.

Mischa was halfway home by the time Baba Yaga had crossed the river, but soon she could hear the witch’s screams right behind her. She said another prayer to her mother in Heaven, and suddenly the lump of coal her mother had given her slipped from her pocket. As soon as it touched the ground, it became a huge mountain. Baba Yaga saw the mountain too late, and crashed into it with her mortar and pestle.

Mischa was almost out of the forest by the time Baba Yaga had flown over the mountain. But soon she could hear the witch’s screams so close to her ear that it tingled. Mischa said a third prayer to her mother in Heaven, and suddenly the comb that her mother had given her slipped from her pocket. As soon as it touched the ground, it became a giant forest of thorns. Baba Yaga saw the thorns too late, and crashed into them with her mortar and pestle. The thorns were so prickly and sharp that Baba Yaga was forced to turn around and go home.

Mischa returned to her house with the flour and her gold.
When her stepmother, who had never expected to see her again, asked her where she got the gold, she honestly replied that Baba Yaga had given it to her as a gift.

The wicked stepmother wanted gold for her self, so she sent her own daughter to fetch flour from Baba Yaga. When the wretched girl did not return, the stepmother went to see Baba Yaga herself, and was never heard from again.
Mischa used her gold as a fine dowry, and was married to a handsome duke, and lived happily ever after.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Krod ManDAMN he's hot.

At the WhiteUnicorn mansion, we host a Sunday night pizza and diet-soda evening with a couple of close friends, where we eat, drink, and watch bad television.
Last week, we started watching Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire together.

I really like this new show.
If you have not seen it yet, here's what you need to know.

Krod Mandoon is a freedom fighter who leads a band of rag-tag adventurers.

His arch-nemesis is Dongalor, who wants:

  1. Krod dead,
  2. to rule the world,
  3. and to look good in a fur loincloth.

Alas, he doesn't have the thighs to pull off the loincloth.

It's clear from almost the very beginning that Krod runs his band of followers like a low-level manager runs his team: giving performance appraisals, trying to create heroic synergy, embracing diversity in the workplace. And the members of the team are all incredibly stereotyped: The girl is hot and promiscuous, the gay is lispy and thinks everything is about sex, and the black dude acts like Chris Tucker.

I have read about how some reviewers are offended by the stereotyping. But the show isn't mean. The characters are mostly one-dimensional, but they have heart, and I like all of them, and they're funny. I can't speak for how a woman or a person of colour may feel about the show, but the gays are mostly not offended. At least, not the ones in our house.

Finally, I think...I think there's one last reason I really like this show.

Now what was it? Hmmmmm....

I can't remember what it is.

But when I do recall, I'll let you know, Crickets.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

My Unicorner

Crickets, I love Unicorns.
They frickin' rule. I love everything about them. I love that they are beautiful, I love that they poop sparkles and rose-petals and fart baby powder, I love that they puke rainbows, and I love that they are the only animals in the world that can totally stab you with their faces.

Although I have a pretty schweet day job, I have made it even schweeter by bringing my horny pals with me to work.

I have at my desk in my cubicle, a:

  • Unicorn piggy bank named Lady Penelope (Penny, get it?)
  • A Unicorn in a musical snow globe (Queen of the Sea Monkeys)
  • Lots of stuffed Unicorns (all appropriately named, of course)
  • A My Little Pony Unicorn (Chastity Boner)
  • A finger-puppet Unicorn (Scrappy)
  • A porcelain Unicorn head (Spanish Harlem)
  • A Unicorn bell (Joan Marie)
  • A Unicorn paper stamp (Shakespeare)
  • Lots of pictures of Unicorns

Here are some of them:

Here's one of the pictures next to my computer:

Here are three that hang out in the Unipark on my desk. The blue one is Xanadu, the yellow one is Sparkletail, and the pink one is Misty Morn:

So this may be hard to believe, but when I first brought my horny friends with me to work, some of the people who walked past my cube looked at me funny.
I have since come to understand that the look is one of admiration, mixed with jealousy. Unicorns only love the pure of heart, and typically only the pure of heart love them back.

Have you played leapfrog with a Unicorn today?