Thursday, April 30, 2009

25 things you may not have known about me

Inspired by a Facebook sensation that I got exposed to, when a friend decided I needed more information about him than I really ever needed or wanted, I have made up my mind to share some of my deepest and most profound details with you, dear Crickets.

Without further ado, here are 25 things you may not have known about me:

25 things you didn’t know about me

1) My birth: I sprang forth, fully-grown and fully clothed, from an axe wound in my father’s forehead.

2) I like to clip coupons, because I can hear the paper scream.

3) I keep a beautiful white unicorn, with deeply mystical eyes and a horn made of mother-of-pearl, in my basement. Once a month I go down there and rape it.

4) I look like I smell, and I smell like an elf.

5) I never found Waldo.

6) I’m less filling, but I also taste great.

7) I’m trying to figure out how to include the word “wang” in every conversation I have without having people notice.

8) I think Andy Dick is a genius subversive conceptual artist.

9) I have a justified and consuming fear of marshmallow.

10) I once ungratefully and stupidly used a wire hanger to hang a beautiful outfit my Mommie had bought for me. Really, I just did it so that she’d make me scrub the bathroom, which was filthy.

11) When I see a beautiful sunset, I often break down and cry, and thank God for those little worms that burrow into human eyeballs and eat their way out.

12) My momma is so fat that she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

13) Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion.

14) My body is made for water.

15) My partner’s name is a noun.

16) I can’t say “koala” without giggling.

17) I goose-stepped in a Gay Pride parade to be ironic.

18) I don’t know where New Jersey is.

19) I know if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness’ sake.

20) My favorite part of The Godfather is when they eat jelly doughnuts and talk about their man-problems and cry.

21) Wang

22) Everybody wang-chung tonight!

23) I just managed to do it twice.

24) I can only count to 23. And then only when I take off my shoes.


  1. People that live in New Jersey, don't know where New Jersey is. So don't feel bad.